After many years of research – often done during home visits – I can now exclusively reveal for the first time the crucial thing about being a GP that doctors are never taught about at medical school.

Dogs.

Henderson’s Law of Dealing with Patients (HLDP) states that there are always definite advantages to be gained from assessing hounds in the medical context of their owners. Until doctors learn to deal successfully with man’s best friend while working, then they are simply not the complete professional and this is not just a question of protecting our own health in avoiding minor injury while on visits. There are some diagnoses available if you know what to look for, summed up in HLDP.

First and foremost, large aggressive-looking dogs are usually found in houses inversely proportional to their size, and directly proportional to the number of satellite TV dishes present. Small flats with no wallpaper or gardens are extremely popular with this type of dog, and visits tend to be hurried since they take a very close interest in whatever test you are performing on their owner. This could be encouraging during a medical examination, but most examiners in my experience are not idly wondering what the candidate may taste like. The diagnosis of the owner is usually one of a viral infection, often during the small hours, and at some stage during the consultation the phrase ‘It’s all right doc, he’s only playing’ will be mentioned. This is usually then closely followed by ‘Well, he’s never done that before. Are you all right?’

Next, small and overexcited yappy dogs are the types I like to see least on visits, mainly because of the sheer noise level involved. The owner is typically stone deaf from years of heavy decibel exposure, and slow to tell you their medical problem due to being constantly interrupted by the whirlwind at their feet. Throughout the subsequent consultation there is a constant background noise guaranteed to drown out any heart or chest sounds you may be trying to hear. It is also absolutely vital that nothing is ever dropped near one of these dogs. Becoming involved in a tug-of-war under a table with a delighted terrier over an expensive piece of medical equipment rapidly dents a professional image. Apart from deafness, common owner diagnoses include arthritis and heart problems.

The overfriendly dog might be thought of as being a good way of restoring self-esteem but this is simply wishful thinking. Repeatedly being jumped all over while walking into the house is mandatory (especially if you are a dog owner yourself, as I am) and forgetting to strategically place your medical bag in front of your groin early on causes the rest of the consultation to be conducted through clenched teeth and with watering eyes. The odd surreptitious swipe at the dog is taken as a sign of wanting to play and is not to be recommended. The diagnosis here may in fact never be reached as the patient often forgets why they called you and offers you a nice cup of tea instead.

Finally, the pampered dog is one of my medical favourites since this type provides the best diagnostic clues of all. Usually tiny and wearing bows in their hair they seem to be always called Fifi, with a direct statistical link between the amount of money lavished on them and the anxiety of their owners. Should you manage to avoid standing on the small rat, a few judicious words about how well Fifi is looking can have as beneficial an effect on the patient as a large dose of antidepressants – unfortunately, like tablets however, this may need to be repeated at monthly intervals.

I can now sit back and wait for TV producers to come knocking at my door. Perhaps Martin Clunes can play the role of a grumpy GP who likes dogs more than patients? I’d sit and watch that, if only I could find a sofa without a dog on it…